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Anyone who has ever succeeded at anything has failed
along the way
Carolyn Joyce
“We are all failures – at least the best of us are” – J.M. Barrie
When
things feel smooth at work, we pick apart our parenting skills.
When
our home life is going well, we criticize our job performance.
When
we’re single, we scoff at ourselves for being alone, and when we’re not, we
persistently remind ourselves just how bad we are at being in relationships.
All
human beings are flawed. Anyone who has ever succeeded at anything has failed
along the way.
And
yet, most of us spend too much of our lives weighing our weaknesses, reliving
our defeats, and feeling like a failure. Why is that?
“Most people judge and appraise themselves in ways
that are extremely self-punishing and negative,” said Dr. Robert Firestone, author of Overcoming the
Destructive Inner Voice.
He
describes an “anti-self” or “critical inner voice” we all experience that acts
like an internal judge.
This
voice is almost constantly assessing us, evaluating what we accomplish and how
we’re perceived.
This
cruel inner critic not only tells us that we’re failing when we’re not, but it
contributes to self-limiting behavior that can lead our fear around failure to
become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
“Destructive thoughts or internal voices strongly
influence our actions and the way we conduct our daily lives,” wrote Firestone.
“For example, a man about to give a speech thinks: ‘You’re
going to make a fool of yourself. You’re going to sound stupid. Who wants to
listen to what you have to say anyway?’”
As
a result of “listening” to this voice, he becomes nervous and actually does
stumble over his words.”
We
can all be our own biggest critic and our own worst enemy. So, how do we defeat
these nagging voices and stop feeling like a failure?
Get
to Know Your Inner Critic
No
matter where we stand in relation to our goals, our inner critic will always be
there to put us in our place and undermine our efforts.
This
“voice” is tricky, because sometimes it can sound friendly or soothing.
“Just take one more day to relax. You can get to that
project tomorrow. Have a drink, watch TV.”
That same voice will go on to punish and insult us. “Seriously?
You never get anything done. You’re useless.”
Or, if we do achieve some success, it will say “Who
are you kidding? This won’t last. You’re a fraud.”
The
common goal of either the soothing or punishing side of this “anti-self” is to
distance us from our real selves, the part of us that is on our own side and
has unique goals and values.
The
more we listen to this inner critic without examination, the more we’ll be left
feeling like a failure, regardless of what we accomplish.
The
best thing to do to counter this critic is to identify each moment when it
creeps in and separate it from our real, more compassionate point of view.
Learn
more about the steps you can take to challenge your critical inner voice.
Stop
evaluating
Researcher
Dr. Kristin Neff points out that one of the problems with self-esteem, in
general, is its focus on self-evaluation.
“Our successes and failures come and go — they neither
define us nor do they determine our worthiness,” wrote Neff in her book Self-Compassion: Stop Beating
Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind.
“Once we start basing our self-esteem purely on our
performance, our greatest joys in life can start to seem like so much hard
work, our pleasure morphing into pain.”
Each
day, we should aim to orient ourselves away from self-evaluation and instead
reflect on what we’re experiencing.
What
part of this day brings me joy, satisfaction, meaning, or fulfillment?
Practice
self-compassion
So,
how can we feel good about ourselves without focusing on self-esteem?
Neff
has completed an impressive body of research on the benefits of practicing
self-compassion, which she defines as having three elements: self-kindness,
mindfulness, and common humanity.
People who practice self-compassion have a
kind (as opposed to judgmental) attitude toward their struggles.
Through
mindfulness, they learn not to over-identify with negative thoughts and
messages that wear on them, and they embrace that to suffer is part of being
human.
They
are not alone, no better or worse than anyone else, who faces challenges in
life.
Neff’s
studies have shown that embracing self-compassion can reduce self-criticism,
while actually making us better equipped to accomplish our goals and make real
change.
Unlike
self-criticism, self-compassion increases self-improvement, in part because, people
with more self-compassion are more likely to face and learn from their
mistakes.
Rather
than feeling victimized or bogged down in self-hatred, they’ll often see
setbacks as opportunities to develop and change.
Stop
focusing on what you need to fix
While
it’s valuable to look at real characteristics we want to develop or alter in
ourselves, we have to be careful about not allowing our critical inner voice to
get carried away with laundry lists centered on self-improvement.
The
critical inner voice is sneaky and tends to run wild with any evidence of
imperfection.
For example, you may miss a deadline, and it starts in
with, “You see? I told you that you couldn’t do this job. You’re
incompetent. Now, you have to push harder, work longer hours. Don’t think about
anything but work right now!”
We
should try to regard any change we want to make the way we’d look at a friend
trying to make that same effort.
Remember,
it’s possible to be determined without being self-hating.
When we start to go negative, we can gently remind
ourselves to shift our perspective.
“Rather than wandering around in problem-solving mode
all day, thinking mainly of what you want to fix about yourself or your life,
you can pause for a few moments throughout the day to marvel at what’s not
broken,” wrote Neff.
Find
your change team
Dr.
John Norcross, author of Changeology has emphasized how important it is to have
support when making a lasting change or attempting a long-term goal.
“Whether it’s New Year’s resolutions, depression,
anxiety, developing a new skill, having a change team makes a huge difference
to success,” said Norcross.
Finding
a team of people in our lives who support our goals and see us through
compassionate eyes can help us stay on our own side and stand up to our inner
critic.
Even
when we experience a setback, we can rely on these people to keep us from
spiraling back into feeling like a failure.
If
we don’t feel this support from our close family or friends, we can seek it out
in other places.
“There are so many different ways to secure this
support. There’s online support groups, there’s co-workers, there’s friends
from earlier in your life who can be on the telephone or shoot you an email,” said Norcross.
By
both seeking the support of people around us and cultivating a supportive
friend within ourselves, we’re better able to cope with the mean attacks that
make us feel like a failure.
In
life, our greatest pursuit should be to feel and be the most ourselves, to find
what lights us up and pursue that.
By
countering our anti-self and finding personal meaning in each day, we may make
mistakes along the way, but we can never be a failure.
Share
the knowledge!
CRITICAL INNER VOICE, SELF
DEVELOPMENT
By Carolyn Joyce
Carolyn Joyce joined PsychAlive in 2009, after receiving her M.A. in
journalism from the University of Southern California. Her interest in
psychology led her to pursue writing in the field of mental health education
and awareness. Carolyn's training in multimedia reporting has helped support
and expand PsychAlive's efforts to provide free articles, videos, podcasts, and
Webinars to the public. She now works as an editor for PsychAlive and a
communications specialist at The Glendon Association, the non-profit mental
health research organization that produced PsychAlive.https://www.psychalive.org/feeling-like-a-failure/
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