THE MYTH OF THE MALE MIDLIFE CRISIS - Losing one’s youthful strength can feel like losing the armor that protected us for so many years, plunging us into anxiety and uncertainty. Ironically, it’s almost a blessing that time is limited. The finiteness of time gives the present its value; it forces us to focus on what truly matters to us: soulful versus immediate gratification. If time and youth were infinite, we might not find value in the present, in the moments we get to share with each other, or in the wondrousness of our world. When the basket begins to fray, panic sets in. It’s when our usual “fixes” stop working that real therapy begins. So many who begin working at this — via therapy, creativity, spirituality, relating more closely to others, or other means — discover that, in the end, there’s nothing to be afraid of. There is sadness and loss, yes, but also greater capacity for connection, even joy. I have learned that, as with so many pop psychology clichés, there is much more to the male “midlife crisis” than meets the eye. The problems and challenges that crop up in middle age are less about outside circumstances, which we can’t control, and more about one’s psychology and perspective. We are familiar with the pop culture-inspired image of the middle-aged man who suddenly feels “old,” his youthfulness scarily draining away, which leads to a reckless fling or pursuit of a younger woman, often with disastrous results.

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The Myth of the Male Midlife Crisis

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Losing one’s youthful strength can feel like losing the armor that protected us for so many years, plunging us into anxiety and uncertainty. Ironically, it’s almost a blessing that time is limited. The finiteness of time gives the present its value; it forces us to focus on what truly matters to us: soulful versus immediate gratification. 

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If time and youth were infinite, we might not find value in the present, in the moments we get to share with each other, or in the wondrousness of our world. When the basket begins to fray, panic sets in. It’s when our usual “fixes” stop working that real therapy begins. So many who begin working at this — via therapy, creativity, spirituality, relating more closely to others, or other means — discover that, in the end, there’s nothing to be afraid of. There is sadness and loss, yes, but also greater capacity for connection, even joy. Water is most valued when the well runs dry, as the old saying goes.

By Darren Haber, MA, MFT, Men's Issues and Problems Topic Expert Contributor

 

As a psychotherapist who helps a lot of middle-aged men, I have learned that, as with so many pop psychology clichés, there is much more to the male “midlife crisis” than meets the eye.

The problems and challenges that crop up in middle age are less about outside circumstances, which we can’t control, and more about one’s psychology and perspective.

In the paragraphs that follow, we’ll discuss

(1) how this so-called crisis is really an intensified version of an issue that’s always present,

(2) why that is, and

(3) what can be done about it.

We are familiar with the pop culture-inspired image of the middle-aged man who suddenly feels “old,” his youthfulness scarily draining away, which leads to a reckless fling or pursuit of a younger woman, often with disastrous results.

Think of Kevin Spacey in American Beauty lusting after his teenage daughter’s friend; two grown men behaving like the erratic college roomies they once were in Sideways; or Michael Douglas in Fatal Attraction (note how well that worked out!).

Whatever your moral view, these dramatized antics often strike a chord with audiences. Why is that?

The issue isn’t so much moral as one of perception. It calls for deeper understanding of one’s own inner world, and of one’s own vulnerability.

In middle age, many men find, perhaps for the first time, that mortality becomes real, physical, in a way that can’t be denied.

But that mortality, our human vulnerability, is always present, whether we are conscious of it or not.

One of the great privileges of youth is denial of that limitation, an embrace of invincibility, a vital rebuke to the idea of aging and death.

Life is finite. This implies not only our own eventual demise, which scares us, but also the demise of those closest to us (also scary).

We all have to live with a ticking clock, which is both a curse and a blessing; I’ll explain why later. At a certain point, the clock can no longer be ignored.

I’m thinking of some of the men in therapy with me who are creeping up on middle age and noticing their bodies don’t quite have the same resilience; no more boxing, no more marathons.

Such activities had lent an aura of invincibility that won’t be coming back.

Suddenly, eight hours of sleep seems very important, and the mind isn’t quite the steel trap it used to be.

Viagra and Cialis are given a look, and body parts that weren’t even on the radar begin to ache. (As I write this, my lower back is sorer than it used to be.)

That ticking clock makes its presence known, in ways both subtle and obvious.

It was always there, of course, but we tend to deny it — which is not to say we ought to obsess or brood over it like Woody Allen in Hannah and Her Sisters, where he says, “Do you realize what a thread we’re hanging by?”

But sooner or later, deal with it we must; our aches and pains and other signs of compromised endurance serve as uncomfortable reminders that time is a kind of currency, and none of us has unlimited amounts to spend.

We must, at some time or another, consider how we really want to be spending it.

Sometimes, other unexpected losses occurring in middle age can be uneasy reminders of that existential clock: we may lose a high school friend or a parent; we might experience new medical issues; we find ourselves unhappy with our work or career; or perhaps longstanding relationship issues become more challenging.

Knowing we’re mortal intellectually is very different from sensing it in our very bones.

These and other encounters with mortality are indicators of what psychoanalyst and philosopher Robert Stolorow (2007) calls “finitude,” the concept that to be human means accepting the finiteness of time and human limitations, including the big kahuna of mortality itself.

These reminders can themselves be “triggers” for those who experienced trauma earlier in life. Psychologists sometimes call this “emotional linkage.”

Can’t we just have a fling or watch some porn or take a pill?

I think this is why therapy can seem so frightening.

In therapy people face their vulnerabilities — and that can mean acknowledging that clock, which even therapists are sometimes reluctant to recognize.

(Those of us in helping professions who duck the issue, who don’t face it in some basic way, are doing ourselves and the people we work with a disservice.)

Often a man will internalize mortality as “weakness” and respond by trying harder at the gym, ignoring aches and pains, working more, seeking more sex or self-validation by making more money, etc.

Consumption of booze, porn, and other “medication” may also increase. All of these, of course, are Band-Aids.

These things are reliably diverting only for a while. Ultimately, they fail to address the problem in a fulfilling way psychologically or emotionally.

One thing that surprises many men who come to see me is that the limitations and finiteness they are encountering in a newly anxious way have, as noted earlier, been there all along.

The loss of the ability to box, run, work, work out, and have sex with the same vigor and stamina may be subtle, if potent, reminders of times in the past when one felt overwhelmingly weak or defenseless in the face of unbearable pain.

Perhaps abuse or abandonment occurred and equally intense self-protections were needed, ways of building the person back up again.

The original trauma may have necessarily been forgotten for the sake of survival, but here are those feelings and memories again, with their same implications of shameful “weakness” and vulnerability.

Losing one’s youthful strength can feel like losing the armor that protected us for so many years, plunging us into anxiety and uncertainty.

Ironically, it’s almost a blessing that time is limited.

The finiteness of time gives the present its value; it forces us to focus on what truly matters to us: soulful versus immediate gratification. (Not that there’s anything wrong with the latter, provided it’s not the only means of enjoying life.)

If time and youth were infinite, we might not find value in the present, in the moments we get to share with each other, or in the wondrousness of our world.

When we can at least take a stab at accepting our humanness, when we can live in abundance and in the present moment no matter our circumstances, then our world can open up to us in unexpected ways.

Human connection becomes more valuable, and authenticity and emotional truth become something to strive for rather than fear or dread. As we come to accept that, as men, it’s OK to need support and love from others in facing what is frightening, we can better help and support others in their own times of grief and loss.

Of course, facing our humanness can be very difficult and messy, and often prompts the raising of hairy questions such as, “Am I happy in my work? At home? How do I deal with aging parents and their impending loss? Is it time to forgive and forget? What do I really care about? Will the ‘real me’ please stand up?”

This is not to say, by the way, that physical activity or outside “stuff” doesn’t matter. (I would not turn down a free sports car.)

It’s just that so many men who come to me for help have put all of their psychological eggs in that particular basket.

When the basket begins to fray, panic sets in. It’s when our usual “fixes” stop working that real therapy begins. (Carl Jung, for one, felt that therapy truly began in middle age.)

So many who begin working at this — via therapy, creativity, spirituality, relating more closely to others, or other means — discover that, in the end, there’s nothing to be afraid of.

There is sadness and loss, yes, but also greater capacity for connection, even joy. There is as much beauty in the human soul as in the natural world, if not more so.

Some tender scrubbing at a tarnished heart often reveals a priceless gem. Hard to believe? Why not try it?

It’s not the fears and hidden demons that can hurt us, it’s the persistent avoidance of them that gets us into trouble.

There’s no shame in asking for help (from a therapist, religious or spiritual adviser, trusted friend, even a family member).

The practice of gazing, with assistance if need be, into our own psychic mirrors in the end helps us enjoy even more the joys of exercise, food, drink, sex, and embodied aliveness.

Water is most valued when the well runs dry, as the old saying goes.

I believe we are meant to enjoy our pleasurable sensory experiences, but not as a total escape from our all-too-human situation.

We are all in the same boat with this than most of us ever realize.

Darren Haber

PSYD, MFT

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https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/myth-of-the-male-midlife-crisis-1118154

 

FEAR OF BLOOD - Symptoms and Treatment for the Fear of Blood - Hemophobia, or fear of blood, is a common specific phobia. Most types of specific phobia cause heart rate and blood pressure to rise. Hemophobia and other blood-injection-injury phobias frequently cause a drop in blood pressure and heart rate. The sudden drop can lead to fainting, a relatively common response to the sight of blood. Anticipatory anxiety, in which you may experience a racing heart, shaking, and gastrointestinal distress, is common in the hours and days before an upcoming encounter with blood. Hemophobia is often related to other phobias. Trypanophobia, or fear of medical needles, is sometimes associated with hemophobia. Some people with a fear of blood also have other medical phobias, such as fears of doctors and dentists. The field of medicine is popularly associated with gruesome images of spilled blood, particularly in television and movies, which may help to perpetuate such phobias. Hemophobia may also be associated with health phobias including hypochondriasis and nosophobia. Bleeding is an indication that something is wrong with the body, and the sight of one’s own blood can be enough to trigger health anxiety. In those who experience mysophobia or fear of germs, the sight of someone else’s blood can trigger fears of catching a disease. In some cases, the fear of blood may be related to the fear of death.

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Fear of Blood

Symptoms and Treatment for the Fear of Blood

The fear of blood may be caused by a previous negative experience with blood. Those who have been through a traumatic injury or illness that caused a major loss of blood may be at increased risk. Hemophobia is often related to other phobias - some people with a fear of blood also have other medical phobias, such as fears of medical needles, doctors and dentists. Bleeding is an indication that something is wrong with the body, and the sight of one’s own blood can be enough to trigger​ health anxiety - in some cases, the fear of blood may be related to the fear of death

By Lisa Fritscher 

Medically reviewed by Steven Gans, MD 

Hemophobia, or fear of blood, is a common specific phobia.

The fear is categorized by the American Psychiatric Association's Diagnostic and Statistical Manual as part of the subtype “blood-injection-injury” phobias.

This subtype, which also includes needle phobia, can cause symptoms that are not frequently seen in other types of specific phobias.

Symptoms

Most types of specific phobia cause heart rate and blood pressure to rise. Hemophobia and other blood-injection-injury phobias frequently cause a drop in blood pressure and heart rate.

The sudden drop can lead to fainting, a relatively common response to the sight of blood.

 Anticipatory anxiety, in which you may experience a racing heart, shaking, and gastrointestinal distress, is common in the hours and days before an upcoming encounter with blood.

Causes

Hemophobia is often related to other phobias. 

Trypanophobia, or fear of medical needles, is sometimes associated with hemophobia.

Some people with a fear of blood also have other medical phobias, such as fears of doctors and dentists.

The field of medicine is popularly associated with gruesome images of spilled blood, particularly in television and movies, which may help to perpetuate such phobias.

Hemophobia may also be associated with health phobias including hypochondriasis and nosophobia.

Bleeding is an indication that something is wrong with the body, and the sight of one’s own blood can be enough to trigger​ health anxiety.

In those who experience mysophobia or fear of germs, the sight of someone else’s blood can trigger fears of catching a disease.

In some cases, the fear of blood may be related to the fear of death.

Hemophobia may be caused by a previous negative experience with blood.

Those who have been through a traumatic injury or illness that caused a major loss of blood may be at increased risk.

However, hemophobia may be inherited or even be rooted in evolutionary factors.

Hemophobia in Popular Culture

Because the fear of blood is extremely common, it is frequently exploited in popular culture.

Horror movies and Halloween events prey on our natural aversion to blood, often featuring large quantities of fake blood in full Technicolor glory.

Of course, as the 1980s slasher genre proved, it is easy to become emotionally numb to such images, particularly for those who have a fear, but not a full-blown phobia.

Part of the reason that the shower scene in 1960s Psycho is still considered a masterpiece is the relative lack of gore.

The scene was shot in black and white, and the knife never actually pierces the skin.

Yet the mind fills in all of the details of a gruesome knife attack.

Spilled blood sometimes creates a paradox — we can’t bear to look, yet we can’t bring ourselves to look away.

Consequences

Hemophobia can cause a wide range of difficulties that may prove life-limiting or even dangerous.

If you are afraid of blood, you may be reluctant to seek medical treatment.

You might postpone or avoid annual physicals and needed medical tests. You may refuse surgery or dental treatments.

Parents with hemophobia may find it difficult or impossible to bandage their children’s wounds. You might pass these tasks off to your spouse whenever possible.

You may also overreact to minor injuries in your children as well as yourself, frequenting emergency rooms or walk-in clinics when home treatment would suffice.

A fear of blood may also cause you to limit activities that carry a risk of injury. You might be unable to participate in outdoor activities such as hiking, camping or running.

You may avoid sports, carnival rides and other activities that you perceive as dangerous.

Over time, such avoidant behaviors can lead to isolation. You might develop a social phobia or, in extreme cases, agoraphobia.

Your relationships might suffer, and you might find it difficult to participate in even the normal activities of daily living. Feeling depressed is not unusual.

Treatment

Hemophobia responds very well to many treatment methods. One of the most common is cognitive-behavioral therapy.

You will learn to replace your fearful self-talk with healthier responses to the sight of blood. You will also learn new behaviors and coping strategies.

If your phobia is severe, medications can help control the anxiety, allowing you to focus on treatment strategies.

Other forms of talk therapy, hypnosis, and even alternative treatments may also be helpful.

A skilled therapist can guide you through the process of recovery, which can be difficult or impossible on your own. With help, though, there is no reason for hemophobia to control your life.

Lisa Fritscher

Writer

Expertise

Phobias

Education

University of South Florida, Polk State College

Highlights

Experienced in community mental health

Case management and hands-on care at various mental health facilities

Experience

Lisa Fritscher is a former writer for Verywell Mind covering phobias. Lisa first became interested in mental health during her childhood, when she frequently accompanied her mother, a therapist, to work at the Winter Haven Hospital Community Mental Health Center. With years of familiarity in the field, it was only natural that Lisa would follow in her mother's footsteps. Her diverse experiences include both case management and hands-on patient care at a variety of residential and outpatient facilities.

Education

Lisa holds a Bachelor of Arts in psychology from the University of South Florida.

Verywell Mind Editorial Process

Verywell Mind is an award-winning, trusted, and compassionate online resource that provides the guidance you need to improve your mental health and find balance. We take a human approach to health and wellness content and reach more than 150 million readers annually.

Our editorial team includes writers, editors, and fact checkers who are all focused on making sure our information is clear, accurate, and actually useful so you can make confident choices about your mental health.

Our writers are notable voices in their respective disciplines, including board-certified physicians, therapists, health journalists, and other mental health experts. These individuals are specifically selected for both their extensive knowledge and real-world experience, as well as their ability to communicate complex information in a clear, helpful, and unbiased way.

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Steven Gans, MD

Review Board Member

 Psychiatrist

Expertise

Psychiatry, Psychotherapy

Education

Harvard Medical School, Boston Psychoanalytic Society and Institute, Rush University Medical College, Massachusetts General Hospital

Highlights

Assistant professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School

Attending psychiatrist at McLean Hospital in Belmont, MA, where he leads a team-based approach to the management and recovery of patients with serious mental illnesses

Board-certified in psychiatry by the American Board of Psychiatry and Neurology

I am thrilled to be involved with Verywell in their mission to bring accurate and accessible information regarding health issues to everyone. This is an especially crucial time that the information available to the public in understanding their health is factual, clear, and contextually useful.”

— STEVEN GANS, MD

Experience

Dr. Gans is passionately involved in the practice and teaching of psychotherapy. He is an active supervisor, teacher, and mentor in the Massachusetts General Hospital (MGH)/McLean Adult Psychiatry Residency Training Program and in their Program in Psychodynamics (PIP). A graduate of the Boston Psychoanalytic Society and Institute, he is a supervisor and mentor in their Advanced Psychoanalytic Psychotherapy Training Program.

He serves as a psychotherapist attending to the Pavilion program at McLean Hospital. Dr. Gans was a psychiatric consultant for the Laurel Hill Inn eating disorders treatment program, and served as the Clinical Challenges editor for the Harvard Review of Psychiatry. He has previously been named to “Best Doctors” by Boston Magazine.

Education

Dr. Gans received a Bachelor in Science degree from Loyola University of Chicago. He earned his medical degree from Rush University Medical College. Dr. Gans did his residency in psychiatry at the Beth Israel Hospital in Boston. He is a graduate of the Boston Psychoanalytic Society and Institute.

https://www.verywellmind.com/fear-of-blood-hemophobia-causes-and-symptoms-2671861