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Beating A Business Bully
Written by Mellissah Smith
Last week I encountered a business bully,
except it was personal and they just happened to also be a business person.
Someone with deep pockets who tried to "scare me" as
he put it.
He finally apologized but I have thought
deeply about how often in my career this has happened, largely because I am a
woman or a small business owner.
There are a lot of dishonest people
around. People who deliberately don't pay bills as they know it costs more to
sue someone, or those who are just not nice people and want to be bullies
because they get kicks out of it.
I use to be scared of this and get
anxiety over it. I use to fall
apart and perhaps even shed a few tears.
But
this week, I didn't. It didn't matter to me how much money
they had, they were wrong, and just trying to bully me to get exactly what they
wanted out of me.
Most
bullies are control freaks. That means they need to control every situation.
They
control contact, they control what is said and when they use their power and
influence to control you and others so that they can display just how powerful
they really are.
These
people unfortunately usually rise to the top. They hit the
jackpot by being the richest or most successful people.
They
use their bullying to get what they want and out manipulate the people around
them. And it works. Otherwise it plays out in the media and usually no-one
really wins.
It's
like any war - no-one wins.
Sooner
or later, we all just end up working with or dealing with a bully. It may be
emotionally or intellectually but it has the same impact.
The
one thing that most of these people have in common is that they are powerful,
so the pressure they put on the person they are bullying is insurmountable and
usually the weaker party cannot win.
But
the same bully taught me a couple of years ago a few things on how to tackle
bullies.
I
think I almost fell immediately in love with him when he gave me advice as
there are two ways to deal with it: handle it yourself with a level head and
learn from the experience, or do it knowing that the more powerful friend is
right behind you.
So,
I tackled it exactly like this: I am doing it
myself but I know more powerful people are behind me backing me 100% of the way
and willing to do whatever it takes to look after my best interests.
Being
manipulated is hurtful and soul destroying. Knowing you
are dealing with a bully can really get you down in the dumps.
Even
though through a forced apology, I received a double-edged one via text
yesterday, I left the office and walked to my hotel in tears and had to go
straight to sleep. It was too much for me to handle.
This
is not what you want out of life. You want kindness and happiness, and great
people around you and if you trust someone, it's really hard to give that trust
away.
I
am fortunate to have amazing people round me. I am very loved and very much
cared for.
Yesterday,
the Atlanta office surprised me all day long. They are
dynamic, happy, smiley, fun, smart and thoughtful people.
They
even hand made me the most beautiful piece of jewelry that I will cherish
forever.
As
a business owner, who wouldn't be excited by having such a dynamic team of
people who represent your brand?
I
handled the situation the best I could collating important information from
various sources that further confirmed that if they continued to bully me, I
was in fact more powerful than they are just through honesty and the fact I
have so much in writing.
No-one
wants to be that person, but you have to be in order to take a person like this
head one. I had to copy every piece of correspondence from myself and others,
and send off to 3 different parties so that it could be handled regardless of
what bullying tactics may occur.
Maybe
by me setting an example, others will be less afraid of people just like this.
They have no heart and they care only for themselves.
They
usually are narcissists and let me assure you, a narcissist will never see it
any way but their own and every single thing will only be on their terms.
They
will never care enough to talk it through with you, or to listen to your perspective.
Only their perspective counts.
I
laughed when I saw that the identical text messages sent to me when the
narcissist was trying to make me think I was over-reacting was sent to another
person.
Do
they just copy and paste? Is it that easy? Do they use every single line the
same way? Do they practice their moves and use it the same way?
If
you can study a narcissist you can beat them. It's just like
a sports player. If they play the same way every game, and you study it and put
them off their game, you will beat them.
Another
important thing to note is that you may think you can stop dealing with a bully
the moment you figured out their game, but a typical bully doesn't
let go that easily.
They
have a bagful of emotional tricks that they use to keep you in orbit and as
long as they have last say, that is all that matters.
So,
if you are fighting them and have ended up with the last say, don't think it is
the end of it. It certainly won't be.
The
secret of a bully is their charm and charisma. They
begin all relationships working out you - getting inside by cold reading you.
Mine
did it be saying how normal he is and how he didn't like the typical popular
things others do whether its holidays or where people live or what people buy.
He
also sold himself on wanting to spend the rest of his life giving all of his
money away and going into communities in need and getting his hands dirty and
helping them build a better future.
Who
would not fall for that? Interesting, it’s the same line he uses on everyone. I
thought it was just me... but it's not.
Powerful
people also show their wit, compassion and intelligence - all of which makes
you feel connected with them at a level that you possibly may not have
experienced before.
This
happens in both business and in personal relationships. They make you
like them and tries to make you dependent on his reactions.
They
decide when and if you see them, and how long it will be. They avoid arguments
and if you ever do have one, they leave it a few days and pretend it never
happens.
Of
course, at work it’s a different story, their attack is lethal and can really
ruin your day - all by design. The more they ruin your day, the more powerful
they feel. It gives them the adrenalin to keep attacking.
It
is a miserable experience to be stuck with a bully. And it’s hard to get
yourself free. But you can — and you should. Here’s how:
· Talk about it. If it is in business, talk to a
mentor, a lawyer and other people that you can trust. Explain without missing
out details. If you have written documentation, show them, so they can have a
full overview rather than your interpretation of events.
· Admit to yourself that you are being controlled and
bullied with absolutely no respect to you as a person or care as
to what outcome it has on you other than to provide hurt.
· Put time aside to liberate yourself and get
yourself out of the entangled relationship without letting them just win for
winning sake and because you are too scared of them.
· Look at other ways in which to deal with the problem. Sometimes
fighting them head-on just means you will end up a loser. Depending on how well
you know them and how ego centric they are, there are so many ways in which to
tackle this problem and eventually get to a resolution.
· Know that if you demand an apology, and their
hand is forced it will not be a real apology - just a manufactured one that
also will have something in it that gives them back control.
· They are never sorry and they never care, you are
just another number in which they have done this to before.
I am lucky and I have been born with a brain. I am
emotional but in business I tend to have a more level head. In life, I think I
leave all that level-headedness to the office and become a "girl". I
get upset easily, I am emotional and very passionate about the things I love
and care about.
If you hurt me personally, you really hurt me and perhaps
that's where someone else will always win. I wish I could say I was that person
who just walked away, but I am not. It stays buried in my heart and hurts a lot
more often than I care to admit.
Don't let anyone bully you. Every bully deserves to be
taught a lesson. I am going to teach "my bully" a valuable lesson
that money can't buy. If you are not compassionate and you use people, you
deserve to understand the impact that has on others.
Be empowered, take a chance and never be
afraid of another as long as you remain a good person with good morals. Or walk
away and realize that you can't change people and the energy you give to the
situation could be better used elsewhere.
Mellissah Smith
is a marketing expert with more than 20 years experience. Having founded and
built two successful marketing companies internationally, she is well recognized
as a industry thought leader and innovator. Mellissah started her career
working with technology and professional services firms, primarily in
marketing, public relations and investor relations, positioning a number of
successful companies to list on the various Stock Exchanges around the world.
She is a writer, technology developer and entrepreneur who shares her thoughts
and experiences through blogs and written articles published in various media
outlets. Brag sheet: #2 marketer to follow on Twitter (2003), Top 150 Marketers
to Follow (2015), Top 10 innovative marketers (2014), 60K+ followers on Twitter
with 97% authentic.
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